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Thursday, December 29th, 2005
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Monday, December 12th, 2005
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| You Are a Very Bad Girl | 
You are 0% Good and 100% Bad
As they say, good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere!
You make most bad girls look like angels - and have a hell of a time along the way. |
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Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003
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i have been sitting at my computer for a while. I put on my Dave playlist that has all his songs on it- i've almost listened to them all. I beat "color break" i played 50 games of "color break 2" and now i am playing "word riot" on aol, decorating stockings. keeping my mind off things.
i can't sleep. yah unh.
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Thursday, September 4th, 2003
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i was easier to replace than i thought.
i'm going to sit in my room all weekend, by myself.
i just saw a girl on the slant arguing with her boyfriend about how she wants to have fun, and so does he, but she loves him, and he loves her. I almost fell down the slant, walked by her, smiled and said "its not worth it". I dont know if i'm right. It might be worth it.
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Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003
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If i had to describe it, i wouldnt sit here and tell you how great i think this place is, i wouldnt.
This is seriously the University of Nashua High. Fuck the theory-if you dont want to see nashua kids, you wont. You see clusters of nashua kids EVERYwhere. Not to mention that my dorm, and the dorm next to mine, is infested with the entire class of 2003. Not that i shouldnt have expected that half of the UNH population would be kids i knew. But it seems like all the nashua people that i want to see, and wouldnt mind seeing everyday are the ones still IN nashua-not the people that i wouldnt mind if i never saw them again in my life.
They say i'll get used to it, but i dont know. I'm not like.. HOMEsick, its more like i am.. here sick. These days go by so slow.
It seems like everyone just is continuing on with their high school shit. Maybe I will start to like it in a little while, but for now..i dont really have that many good things to say about it.
AND DAAAAAAAAAAMN talk about a DESERT! SHIT.
i eat a lot of food, go to the gym, drink beer, talk online, go to class, take shots, take shots, take shots, talk online, play snood, make friends, take shots, download music, eat food, and go to the gym..sometimes i watch movies and play N64. WOO.
i can hardly sleep at night.
School's in Rick. See ya.....
.kaea.
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Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
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11 days. In 11 days I will be starting a completely different life. For 12 years high school has been my life, whether I wanted it to be or not, and now it is over. I can't decide whether it's a feeling of accomplishment, sadness, happiness, or what to feel really, because in all reality, i have no idea what to expect.
So everyone can sit here and complain about all the shit that this summer has brought, and how much "Nashua Pride" has been forgotten, lost and stomped on.. and i completely agree. But, for me this summer brought so much more than that. This summer taught me who i want to be, and who i don't want to be. Not neccesarily what i want to be, or who i am right now, but I have much more of a better understanding of life and what is has to offer (no matter how gay that sounds). During this summer i have grown up, matured, turned my whole life around.. and turned it into something that.. not neccesarily i enjoy, but.. into something that i can cope with. I dont need to be unhappy all the time, and i dont need to get upset over stupid things. I dont need to stupid, endless drama that comes with high school and immaturity. I guess everyone needs to just realize that you don't need to live for anyone else, and its not everyone else's business that matters.
It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and the mask that i have been wearing has been taken off. This summer made me grow up. Not the type of growing up that you don't want (like, being a mundane 30 year old.), but the growing up that teaches you so much..the growing up that brings you past the little things that dont matter.
So with all the "I hate Nashua"'s and the "I can't wait to get out of here"'s, Nashua is what made me who i am, and made me realize what matters and what doesnt.
The people here: i will never forget them, no matter how much i would or wouldnt like to. It's them who taught me what i need to know.
I wish everyone the best of luck in whatever they choose to do.
I've turned over a new leaf..
With Love,
Kellie
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Saturday, August 16th, 2003
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So today I made a new screen name.
KkellA12@aol.com
Add it. Talk to me.
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Everything in my life seems so…unreal lately. It’s like everything is a dream. A dream that continues every time you fall asleep but you have no idea what is going to happen next because it’s just your brain running the show. It’s like I am sleeping, but am really awake…that I am dead, but really alive.
Uncertain. That is the one word that I would use to describe all of my feelings and emotions if I consolidated them into one. There is no certainty. I am uncertain of who to trust, who to talk to, who to believe, what do to, what to think what to say, where to go, when it will be over, when it will start, why things happen. Never before have I been so sure and so unsure about something at the same time.
So maybe this is real, maybe people will understand. Maybe I will try to let people understand.
I just think that it is harder to let people in these days…because the people that I already have, are the people who will care, and the only ones that I want to let in. They are the ones who care enough to understand.
I am not going to fight for something that I used to be so sure of..but I guess that’s what it takes.
Its like.. 20 days until graduation, and can’t everyone just.. graduate as friends.. ‘and leave this shit behind’.
Mol- maybe we could do dinner tonight at daddy’s…it’s been a while.
Things are just.. falling back into place.
“I don’t know shit. I’m just high” all the time…
-.k.a.a.-
“I’m just.. happy..” haha, I was just thinking about that night.
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Wednesday, May 14th, 2003
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I am not going to apologize because i dont think i am doing anything wrong...i am not even going to try to understand why you act like everything is okay when you need a ride or when i am right in front of you asking if you want to talk about it, but then when you dont want anything from me, everything isnt?
yah.. follow your heart.....
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Tonight has lead me to make some decisions, they are as follows:
1. I am so afraid of the dark.
2. I am not a runner.
3. I love the rain.
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"Naturally and artifituially flavored"...its the best of both worlds..i think thats why its hard, cause i mean other fruit snacks they are like chewy this is like biting into a like, pear. What is it some kind of test that tells you whats what? Cause theres no way something can be natural and artifitual, because if its artifitial, they arent natural. So are you saying that the red ones are natural, and the blue ones are fake. Like, what kind of flavor is pink? Kind of like starburst, tehy taste like what? Who knows.. artifitial? Orange has to be an orange, it has a fruit named after it. Red is just naturally associated with like, cherry.. True green, as opposed to a fake green? No, dark green. its associated with apple.. sour apple.. which is ridiculous because when have you actually biten a sour apple on purpose? No, if you know its sour you dont eat it. Not like.. sour like.. squeeze your face sour, but sour like.. sour milk. Shouldnt the passed tense of squeeze be squoze? Not squeezed. Freeze-Froze, Squeeze-Squoze. I make up a lot of words though? He had an uncle who was a bear? What are you the jungle book? Balooga? Maybe if you were that guy you would have a bear for an uncle..
you have to make sure you're signed in, because its friends only. OH you need to sign in? You can make SOME entries friends only? What a tricky bastard.
Yo, this is my new favorite dave song......(5 minutes later) wait, what is it called?
Did you hear that? Well, it was impossible to unhear.
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Ughhhh I wish that I could think right now. I'm at about an..19 our of 21 happiness scale right now. It's 1:57 and I am readyyyy to go.
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I should get to bed soon because I need to wake up early so I can wear my imfamous skirt to school tomorrow.. when i go...for the whole day.
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Uhh, thats all i have to say for right now.
<3kweeeeie
"we look at each other, wondering what each other is thinking..but we never say a thing..and these feelings grow deeper.." ---LIVE FROM CHICAGOOO... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WELCOME DAVE MATTHEWS BANDDDDDDD---
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Why is it so hard to show my emotions, or try to describe them, or talk to someone about them when I know exactly how i feel?
i thought i was going to write a real entry now. But no one understands me, so i am not even going to try to let anyone in. No one will ever understand.
( I am realizing something about myself... )
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Thursday, April 24th, 2003
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Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
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You can't have the apple without the core.
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You should get out what you put in. The feelings that are familiar to me right now are those that i wish that i had never felt before, and am experiencing them again.
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It's something you thought you were.. but were never even close. And its the effort that you put in that meant absolutely nothing in the end.
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I wonder who will think that this is about them....
.k.
"i hope you're as happy as you're pretending."
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Tuesday, April 22nd, 2003
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Okay, so this goes out to everyone…
Please do not ask me to skip classes, skip school, or go in late to school anymore. I don’t want to fail out. I don’t want to not graduate. I don’t want to get bad grades. I don’t want to smoke everyday. I don’t want to always be upset, and I don’t want to be so stressed out and have teachers on my back all of the time wondering where I was and what excuse I am going to make next.
If we are going to hang out, we don’t HAVE to smoke. I don’t want to spend all of my money on weed. I don’t want to have to disappoint my mother anymore. I just…don’t want it anymore. I guess I just have to do it for myself. Because I got into the Whittemore School of Business at UNH, I have a good opportunity that if I don’t start going to classes and doing my work I am going to throw away
I am beginning to hate every second of this. I am sick of the selfishness. I am sick of wondering what is going to happen next. I am sick of trying to find something to say to you. I am sick of having the words disappear. I am sick of not knowing who I am. I am sick of hating who I think I am. I am just.. so sick and tired of caring so much, and getting so little back. I am sick of wondering the next step you will take. I am sick of wondering what stress you will cause next, and for who. I am sick of crying on my way to school. I am sick of crying myself to sleep. I am sick of wasting all of my time being upset when I could be having a good time with my life. I am sick of acting like I am happy when it’s the “happiest” people who are really the saddest. And I am sick of having my mother tell me she worries about me. I am sick of everyone telling me that it will be okay… when, it won’t.
I am sick of putting people first, when I am always second best.
Right now, I wish I was at Chuck E. Cheese. I wish that I was still a kid.
…I wish I didn’t feel like this everyday.
.kellie.
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Things just get worse. There is no getting better, for me.
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Thursday, April 17th, 2003
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i forgot i need to take nyquil before i fall asleep if i want to go to bed anytime before 2 in the morning. I forgot that you are being selfish. I forgot that you lied to me, when i knew what you were really doing. I forgot that nothing else mattered anymore. I forgot that everyone is always just going to pretend that everything was okay. I forgot that not everything in my life is fucked up right now. I forgot that people turn their feelings off in an instant. I forgot that you dont even know the real thing. I forgot that...nothing changes.
I forgot the things i wanted to say to you...
im out.
<3kcore
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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
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I am just trying to figure everything out.
...like who i am going to prom with..
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******CLARRIFICATION IN BOLD******
Do you ever want something so bad and you know you cant have it because someone else already had it, or still does, or wants it worse than you.. and it hurts so bad to not have it.. because of one.. or two or three other person(s). (have you ever just wanted something, be it a hoodie, or a car, or to be on a team, or to do well in school without trying. Just WANT something that you know you cant have. Thats what i am talking about...)
So, I am wondering if we are just going to sit here and pretend that everything is normal, and that nothing happened, and that it is just going to plain stop. Things dont just.. stop that easily. Things arent going to change, and the second that everyone realizes it.. and we try again and again... i will get let down worse and worse everytime, and i dont want that to happen. I am sick of seeing everyone get hurt in the end. (My FATHER)
I am sick of disappointing people. I am sick of being a bad friend. I am sick of crying. I am sick of wondering how things could be, but arent. I am sick of being lonely. I am sick of having no one that i feel like i can talk to even though i know i can. I am sick of not...pleasing people. I am sick of hurting people. i am sick of feeling like this. (....)
"Somehow, this past week, I thought maybe... just maybe.. things were going to change. I thought I would see so many more happy faces walking around. But.. I think that was a false hope. Because.. the sun doesnt fix things. The warm weather doesnt bury all of winters disapointments." (a good friend said this to me.. and it is totally true.)
I miss going the whole day without crying. I am not going to act like nothing is happening, and no matter how much "fun" i have when i am out with my friends.. it doesnt matter..ever. (well, i am not going to sit here and pretend that I am "okay" when i am not.)
.kellie.
.:edit:. fuck you all.
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if i was in such a good mood today then why am i crying right now?
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Wednesday, March 19th, 2003
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i didnt go to school today...i drove myself at...10, and then i decided that..hah, i didnt want to go.. so I drove right around the rotary and went home.
I talked to my dad about somethings.. hah he listens..even though he doesnt remember what i tell him very often. phaat.
then my mother found the beer in the back of her van. phaaat. i'm screwed.
.kellie.
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fitchi3itch12's journal
drunk.